Honey ... Honey ... Honey

A beautiful Sunday Morning.  I've spent it not with my loved ones, nor soaking the sun up outside, but by planting my head inside whatever Philippine website I could find.

I fretted over visa requirements, specially my "dark" criminal past.  On the visa form there is a question about being convicted of a crime.  I asked the "Web" for an answer: should I say yes or no.

The Web came through with a sensible answer. Don't apply for a visa.  Take the free 21 day entry visa issued up landing.  Then renew it.  You can get a 39 day visa waiver.  And after that you can renew for 2 months up to a 16 month total.  Then you leave for a day and start the process all over again.

The pre-visit application also asked for a bank statement.  My statement is not likely to show much.  In-country renewal asks for an on-going ticket.  I can always purchase an open ticket. Sounds like a plan.
 

I spent yesterday removing some of the clutter in my life. Case in point is a 25 year old entertainment center, the remains of which are shown on the left.  It must go when I sell, so I took a hammer it yesterday and broke it into (barely) manageable pieces.  I carted it off piece by piece to the dumpster and removed it forever from my life.

Likewise to a new cat-house-scratching post combo, which the cats have ceased using, and which must also go.  My place feels a lot better and so do I.

The apex of my day came last night.   In the past few weeks Zita as skipped our cam session on Saturday evenings.  And on Friday she mentioned that she would be busy Saturday so she couldn't talk on the cam.

 But last evening I check YM regardless and found she had left a message:  "Honey, I am praying that you will turn on your YM."

So I shaved, put on a new shirt and fired up the computer. I had wanted a "day off" also, but I began to miss talking to her.  I was happy she choose to make contact.  I soon discovered her reasons.  Two weeks ago we made a voice connection, but since that time, neither of us could figure out how YM did that.  Last evening her compute savy friend, Lyn, paid her a visit.  And Zita asked her to see if she could make a connection.

Before Lyn arrived Zita complemented me on my flower printed shirt.  She mentioned her dress top was like my shirt and asked me how I like it. Of course, I said it was beautiful... She stood up gave an impromptu fashion show.  I tried to make a screen-snap of her front but got her back instead.  I rather like the egtra flesh (smile).

After a few minutes of tinkering, my cam when blank, then I heard a computer ring tone in my headset.  I clicked "Accept" and Zita appear. "Hello."  she said.  "Hello," I replied.  She giggled.  "Hello honey, how are you?"

And so began 60 minutes of chatter.  First up was singing.  Zita loves to sing.  (Fact #1 in my Facts About Zita notebook.)   She has a composition book full of song lyrics.  The book predates our meeting.  Yesterday morning shortly after I turned on the computer to begin trading, my YM was open.  She sent me as message telling me that she was practicing her songs.  Initially I thought this was her way of making small talk.  Now I understand she really was practicing because she wanted to sing for me.

So yesterday as I worked to demolish that old entertainment center, I took seriously her request of me to practice my singing also.  The empty room downstairs provided a nice each.  I applied a few exercises I gather from the web to and worked to sing a presentable version of "He'll Have to Go."

She asked me to go first.  Believe it or not, I did.  (And I never sing karaoke) Then she sang.  And Sang.  And sang.  Her favorite is "Promise Me".  I had sent her an mp3 of "Almost Over You."  A sang that too.  I joined her in the chorus.  "Duet" she said.

From there she talked at length about how she ran her beauty salon.  She takes pride in giving her cleints the correct information -- such as advising against a hair rebonding when it would damage her clients hair.  I learn that she gets a lot of clients through referrals.

And when she ran out of words, she would pause and say" honey, honey honey."

I learned she would like to have a house with a yard so she could plant a vegetable garden.  I learned that she washes clothes by hand.

(Good Grief) I learned that her mother is only 6 years older than I.  


(Although I enjoyed our talk, I am reluctant to talk to her tonight. It's not because I don't want to be with her.  It's because I'm afraid we will run out casual topics and venture into marriage .. it's too soon to talk of that!)  


Honey ... Honey ... Honey  

Life Moves On .. Sometimes with Confidence Shaken

Life moves so fast I'm dizzy this Saturday morning.

A month ago I pursued Plan A.  The plan had these goals: (1) Fatten up my bank account through trading; (2) find a Filipina senorita; (3) see said senorita in the Philippines this January; (4) return to Hawaii; sell everything and move to be with said senorita.

Because the returns from the trading have been less than spectacular, more and more Plan B seems like the only option.  Plan B calls for selling as soon as possible. Seems drastic.

I don't see any future here.  I'm not happy.  And the truth is I could be forced to sell sooner than I planned anyway. It's better than I sell on my own terms.  No decisions yet.  Just keeping my eyes open and working like mad to simplify my life.

I don't know if I can be happy with this woman.  What I do know is that I'm not happy here nor am I likely to be.

Two days ago I sent to the movies with my dentists and her friends.  Jay, her sister Web, Web's husband John and their daughter Kacee.  A pleasant outing.  Jay bought me popcorn and soda.  Web loaded me down with kakimochi crunch for the popcorn.  Jay, Web and I laughed at the movie.  John fell asleep.  Kacee seemed bored. Afterwards we all hastily went our separate ways.

I would have liked to have lunch and talked and laughed.  It's not like that. They all have lives of their own. I need to build a life for myself..  Last night (afternoon for her) Zita's sister Wea and her 4 children visited.  Zita's son, Ashly was also there.  Suddenly my cam was flooded with the happy faces of children, age about 4 to 7.  All laughing, all mugging, all pushing to see me.  Zita laughed and hugged them all.     She said they were all happy to see "Daddy Wayne."   I told Zita if I were there I would sit and play with the kids.  It would be a life for me.

Finding God's Peace and Grace:  Two days ago I read an inspirational message.  The first thing you think of when you wake up is either that which gives you pain or that which gives you happiness.

Through most of my life, with very few exceptions, I've awoken thinking about that which gives me pain.  If you ask me why I'm moving, then the answer is right there between those lines.

A Better Day

(Wednesday July 18)
Today has gone well .. I'm happy.  (Unlike yesterday which had best be left behind and unmentioned!) I caught an early market rally this morning and made my daily target or $200 -- haha how I wish I made it every day.

This left me time to relax --unfortunately I wasted 2 hours in pointless research concerning why there was such a low turn-out in the 1959 Hawaii statehood plebiscite.  Who cares!  I get into the mental arguments and reading controversial opinion.  I feel as if I must argue and do research to prove my point. It's all a stupid  ego driven waste of time.

I got so more sleep and work up at lunch time.   I send a Congratulations Card to Ginger's niece, Shelly.  She invited me to her wedding, which was Saturday.  But I wasn't up to attending.  Didn't want to be a stranger in a strange crowd.  It was sweet of her to remember me, and I appreciate the thought.

Afterwards I began so fun work.  I'm in the process of digitalizing  my life.  I want to scan and electronically save my life long collection of photographs and writings as well as some of my favorite books.  I don't want to have crap and clutter sitting in my future house.  I want as few possessions as possible.  Clothes, a computer or two, and a few cameras.  That's it.    I don't want anything to stand between me and life.

So I scanned a few books and studied Bisaya a little.  It feels good to learn a new language. I'll study a little as dinner is cooking.  Maybe I can try out a few words with Zita .. assuming we can ever get a phone connection working.  It will be good to see her.  Missed her yesterday.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *  * * * * * *

  Haha.  Didn't even have a chance to start dinner.  I checked my mail first, and to my delight I found a message from her containing 10 pictures.  We didn't talk yesterday because she had to take Ashly to a book fair. She sent some pictures of the fair "to prove what she said was correct."  I must tell her that she doesn't have to prove anything to me.

  The picture of her and Uzziaha is just adorable.  And to think I am being invited into that life.  They don't have much money.  Zita doesn't even own a house. But what she does have is far and away more precious that all that I have.  Far and away.

 Now I do need to get dinner going.

My Life Suddenly Turns About

When the month began, I had "plans" to go to the Philippines, "plans" to see if I would like living there, "plans" to marry if I found someone suitable.  These plans have transformed themselves into definite intentions.

The catalysis for this transformation has come from my market returns, or I should say the lack thereof.  My trading has returned less than expected.  I understand that the market is going through a consolidating phase and hasn't produced the sharp rallies and declines that yield good profits.  Despite this understanding I've called into question my ability to earn enough in the market over the next 6 months to finance a trip.

I've also found myself unable to pay the mortgage on time this month, and the maintenance fees likewise go unpaid.   As these events have unfolded, I have found myself drawn closer and closer to Zita.

      We talk most evenings now through Yahoo.  We have a "date" time -- 7:00 pm for me; 1:00 pm (the next day) for her. She has introduce me to her 6 year old son, Ashly and her 4 year old granddaughter Uzziaha.  Through her stories she reveals how she's included me in her life.

  She takes Uzziaha to the story to buy her a coloring book.  The little girl wants a Barbie doll, but Zita cannot afford.  Uzziaha breaks into tears and declares she will ask "Uncle Wayne" to buy her the doll.

  While talking to Zita, Uzziaha approaches and pushes her coloring book in front of the camera for me to see.  I smile and give her a thumbs up signal.  Zita's mother in Samar calls.  They talk.  Her mother says hello and I respond in kind.  She tells me that I am welcome to visit.  

She tells me that when I visit in January there will be an important festival, Sunalug.  She plans to visit her Mom in Samar and asks me if I want to come.  She is happy when I accept.  I understand the importance of families in Philippine culture.  I make a point of including them in my conversations.

Later she talks to her younger brother Edsil and asks if it would be okay for me to come.  She reports that Edsil extends his warm invitation.  And so it goes.  

  Drawn into a Future Life

  The questions and warnings arise (along with my self doubt)  Zita is beautiful (and smart, strong, courageous, and resilient).  She is 46.  What does she see in an old fart 20 years her senior?  It's not so much a green card.  I don't think she wish to live in the US away from her children and family.  And I can't live here anyway.  Perhaps it's money?  The bulk of my money is tied up in my pensions, which I couldn't give to her if I wanted.

I read elsewhere that Filipinas who seek foreigners want stability.  That I can give her.  She remarks too that I am kind to her.   Kindness, I'm more than happy to supply.  For myself, I know what I want.

When I first turned to the Filipina dating site, I was torn between staying here and going there. The thought of selling the house, filled me with fear. Those feelings have changed now.  Turned about 180 degrees.

I see the house now as a millstone.  It sucks in all my wealth.  It's falling to pieces and I don't have the funds to fix it.  But even if I did , the life I live here is one of loneliness.  I have no festivals to attended, no granddaughter to shower with toys.  I sit in an empty decaying old house with 3 old cats and watch movies.

So I will sell. I will move the cats to a farm on Maui (their retirement home!).  I can come out $50,000 ahead.  I won't be able to buy another home here, or even rent one for long. But I don't want to.   I want to be free of the burden.   I will go to the Philippines and try to start a new life there.  Perhaps I will regret it. But I have the opportunity now.  I am and still strong.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK before I die. 

  

Clouds of Doubt (July 12)

A wave of exuberance uplifted my spirits yesterday morning.  Zita's greatly anticipated reply to my latest email arrived. I congratulated myself on my decision not to pursue other contacts.   Then I allowed the contents of her email to entertain me all morning.  Not even the $159 lose in the market dampened my spirits (The lose was a "normal" one, not one due to faulty execution of the trading plan nor due to a failure of the plan)

Shall I Sail Off Into a New Sunset? First My Old Sunset

I have a plan! Clear the decks and make an exploratory trip to the Philippines in January of next year. One of my "deck clearing" tasks is to reduce my baggage (haha .. isn't that phrase loaded with extra meaning). I'm speaking here of physical possessions. I have two big boxes of photos and slides. I want to convert all those into digital images. This means scan, scan, scan. And that is my job on this Sunday afternoon.

Next up for scanning are old slides from Pohnpei.   

I was so happy to come across the picture of Angela.  She was my first love.  I was too immature (age 23) to treat her right.

Now when see her I want to hug and kiss her and tell her I'm sorry. (And her reply) "Give me $1 for some cigarettes!"

I hope life has been kind to her.  She would be in her late 50's today (and tell her great grand kids about washing clothes in the river!)


Suddenly Sad:  Someone near-by has bought a dog.  I have never seen her but I hear her mournful cries often.  They have tired her outside the house.  She is forced to live alone without a family.  She can only cry.

We have much in common, this lonely dog and I.  I also live without family. This is the reason I have a plan.  This is the reason I wish to sail off into a new Sunset.

Now what do I do?  I search for companionship on the Christian-Filipina website.  There are scores of

women to communicate with.  I found Zita (at right) will right somewhat detailed messages.  So many of the women, because of their poor English skills, confine themselves to writing simple replies.

Zita is a hard working woman of 46.  She has raised three children and has given two the opportunity of college.  She owns her own beauty salon.  Should we meet, it's possible that we will bond.  But now I find myself frustrated.  (I only started writing to her this past Wednesday!)

I suppose I am looking for a soul-mate, some one with home I can share ideas and thoughts.  Zita cannot do this in writing.  Zita gave me her email address on Friday.  Yesterday I wrote her a thoughtful message and included to pictures  I also sent her a "heads-up" message on the Chris-Fil website.  She didn't acknowledge the Yahoo email.  But she did write back on Chris-fil giving me effusive thanks and saying how she prayed our paths would meet one day (that was an analogy I started).  So communication is rocky.

 I told her that I was not writing to anyone else (because she mentioned to me that no one else had written to her and because it can set up hurtful situations).  But this morning, wanting to find a soul mate, I responded to an inquiry by a more educated woman.

  Her name is Narea.  (I lost her picture)  She responds quickly.  But rather than writing the thoughtful email I wish to have, she reponds by giving me her Skype and Yahoo IM numbers.

  I am tempted, but I don't want to go down that route. I will be more patient with Zita.  Here is what she wrote to me this morning:

wayne i am very happy if you sending message for me...i hope you are here..and you never tired to make a writing message just for me...thank your so much wayne..and dont you worry i am here just for you wayne. even if im sometimes busy my work...but i promise you i will give you a time to online and i never stop to writing message just for you wayne..i wish that all good just for you' and me...i wish to GOD  that 2 roads have a good direction to make a happy one road...GOD GUIDING....to each other to have a gold heart .until it unite.

Yes, the English is poor, but I don't care about that.  It's really very sweet.  She wrote this on a Sunday, after attending church and then rushing home to open her shop again.  She works 7 days a week.  I have to respect that.  (and we'll soon switch to yahoo.mail regardless because I won't renew my subscriton to Chris-Phil.

Note:  How selfish it is of me .. to even consider writing to another.  Yes, Zita could be just another con artist, but I don't know that.  This is the same selfishness I exuded when I lived with Angela.  I must be different so I will find love.

(I think I will have a salad .. and then write Zita a letter I promised this morning)

(5:34 pm)  This what Ijust wrote to Zita, I  hope I didn't say too much out of fear of saying too little.

Hi Zita,

I hope today is wonderful for you and I hope you have many many customers.  You work SO hard Zita .. even on Sunday.  I hope you can take some days to rest, but it is hard if you have many expenses.  If you work to hard, you will get sick. 

You can teach me to cut hair then I can help you!! (no, just kidding.  You would lose ALL of your clients if I try to cut hair .. haha) 

Thank you for your promise to talk on-line and I would LOVE TO TALK TO YOU,  but IT'S OK ZITA IF WE DON'T.  I know YOU ARE SO BUSY  are and YOU MUST WORK SO HARD, so online must be difficult. I AM VERY HAPPY JUST TO READ YOUR EMAILS.  Don't worry about this, okay?  

I hope to come to the Philippines in January.  I still must  work hard to make this happen.  I start my work Money-Friday at 2:30 in the morning and finish at 9:30 in the morning.  I want to come in November but I don't think that will be possible.  (Haha I actually want to come tomorrow!)

You wrote you "wished all good for you and me".  I pray for that also, Zita. God Bless,

Yours,

Wayne