My Life Suddenly Turns About

When the month began, I had "plans" to go to the Philippines, "plans" to see if I would like living there, "plans" to marry if I found someone suitable.  These plans have transformed themselves into definite intentions.

The catalysis for this transformation has come from my market returns, or I should say the lack thereof.  My trading has returned less than expected.  I understand that the market is going through a consolidating phase and hasn't produced the sharp rallies and declines that yield good profits.  Despite this understanding I've called into question my ability to earn enough in the market over the next 6 months to finance a trip.

I've also found myself unable to pay the mortgage on time this month, and the maintenance fees likewise go unpaid.   As these events have unfolded, I have found myself drawn closer and closer to Zita.

      We talk most evenings now through Yahoo.  We have a "date" time -- 7:00 pm for me; 1:00 pm (the next day) for her. She has introduce me to her 6 year old son, Ashly and her 4 year old granddaughter Uzziaha.  Through her stories she reveals how she's included me in her life.

  She takes Uzziaha to the story to buy her a coloring book.  The little girl wants a Barbie doll, but Zita cannot afford.  Uzziaha breaks into tears and declares she will ask "Uncle Wayne" to buy her the doll.

  While talking to Zita, Uzziaha approaches and pushes her coloring book in front of the camera for me to see.  I smile and give her a thumbs up signal.  Zita's mother in Samar calls.  They talk.  Her mother says hello and I respond in kind.  She tells me that I am welcome to visit.  

She tells me that when I visit in January there will be an important festival, Sunalug.  She plans to visit her Mom in Samar and asks me if I want to come.  She is happy when I accept.  I understand the importance of families in Philippine culture.  I make a point of including them in my conversations.

Later she talks to her younger brother Edsil and asks if it would be okay for me to come.  She reports that Edsil extends his warm invitation.  And so it goes.  

  Drawn into a Future Life

  The questions and warnings arise (along with my self doubt)  Zita is beautiful (and smart, strong, courageous, and resilient).  She is 46.  What does she see in an old fart 20 years her senior?  It's not so much a green card.  I don't think she wish to live in the US away from her children and family.  And I can't live here anyway.  Perhaps it's money?  The bulk of my money is tied up in my pensions, which I couldn't give to her if I wanted.

I read elsewhere that Filipinas who seek foreigners want stability.  That I can give her.  She remarks too that I am kind to her.   Kindness, I'm more than happy to supply.  For myself, I know what I want.

When I first turned to the Filipina dating site, I was torn between staying here and going there. The thought of selling the house, filled me with fear. Those feelings have changed now.  Turned about 180 degrees.

I see the house now as a millstone.  It sucks in all my wealth.  It's falling to pieces and I don't have the funds to fix it.  But even if I did , the life I live here is one of loneliness.  I have no festivals to attended, no granddaughter to shower with toys.  I sit in an empty decaying old house with 3 old cats and watch movies.

So I will sell. I will move the cats to a farm on Maui (their retirement home!).  I can come out $50,000 ahead.  I won't be able to buy another home here, or even rent one for long. But I don't want to.   I want to be free of the burden.   I will go to the Philippines and try to start a new life there.  Perhaps I will regret it. But I have the opportunity now.  I am and still strong.  I WANT MY LIFE BACK before I die.